It is September, 2020.
Dean, who had been working in New York and New Mexico, has been working from home since March when COVID shut down the world. I had a husband home for more than eight or nine days a month for the first time in five years and I was very, very happy.
Late that morning, he was in his normal posture, sitting in “his” reclining chair in the family room of our home in Paradise Valley, Arizona. His laptop was on, of all things, his lap. The weather is still hot; in the 90’s; and after a summer of floating in our pool many afternoons, enjoying cocktails in our Floating Coldy Holdies, we have gotten over it, so to speak, and are ready for some cooler days and nights. It isn’t until well into October before we will again sit outside, wear sweaters in the evening and enjoy our fire pit while we look for satellites and listen to the coyotes howl.
It was just an ordinary day. I was cleaning up from a big breakfast, chatting with him about my plans for the day and various other banal subjects, when out of the blue, Dean looked up from his computer, (unusual in itself), and said, “I want you to look at this boat”.
I need to give a little background at this point to make the context of this conversation, and his profound statement, truly understood.
Dean and I met on E Harmony in 2004. Putting aside the conversation of why I was on a dating site when I swore I would never be on a dating site, my number one criteria for dating or marriage after I finally surrendered my disastrous “love life” to God, (and made a vow to do things His way instead of mine, which had produced disastrous results), was that I would only date a devout follower of Jesus. However, having met many “Christians”, I believe my exact prayer went something very close to this, “Dear God, whatever you decide is fine. If I am single for the rest of my life, that is fine too; I deserve it. But God, if you do bring a husband into my life, I want a man who truly loves you; not some judgmental, self-righteous Christian dweeb. Amen.”
I had been divorced for four years at that point, but had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a non-Christian that I had finally completely disavowed. This disavowal came at a very high cost to me financially, (my fiance was very rich), but I trusted God to provide what I had lost. I was a single mom of three gorgeous, amazing children and they had to come first; the example of a healthy marriage centered on Christ was the best gift I could give them, if God saw fit to bless me in that way.
Within two weeks of that prayer, limiting my search on E Harmony to strictly Christians and having had only five matches, I matched with Dean. (Let me insert here that he had been on E Harmony for a year, and he never misses a chance to complain of his long wait at this point of the story. There honey; did it for you.) He was and is my perfect mate. Well……….almost perfect.
If there is one thing in my life that I am passionate about other than Jesus, it is my love for the ocean. Growing up in Newport Beach, California, I loved all things salt water. Scuba, swimming, snorkeling, body surfing, sailing, water skiing and boating; any kind of boating. When my children were small and prior to my divorce, trips to Catalina Island on our small boat in the summer with my kids are some of the best memories of my life. One of the ways “toxic man” kept me around was by buying a brand new, beautiful 68’ power boat so I could still go to Catalina with my kids after the ex husband made it clear that the only thing he cared about in the divorce was getting “his” boat. Walking away from all that was a pain in my heart that is hard to describe, especially as my kids continued to go to Catalina without me. I grieved that loss deeply.
However, I was still hopeful that I could again spend summers in Catalina. After meeting Dean, our relationship progressed rapidly and it became clear we would marry. In light of that reality, we had some very serious conversations; about our faith, how we would raise our kids, (he had two boys that fit right between my children in age like a fist in glove), how we would handle our finances, our priorities and planning for the future; and not the least of all, how we would spend our considerable vacation time, (Dean got six weeks a year).
I was clear and firm; my idea of vacation was on the ocean. I wanted to get a boat. We would keep it in Newport or Huntington Harbor and have long Catalina weekends either with the kids or just the two of us.
At that point, (me dreaming of picking up where I had left off), Dean and I had the hardest conversation we had had to date; one that could have been a deal breaker.
Dean quietly listened to me wax ecstatic about all the wonderful times I had had with my children in Catalina. He heard the joy in my voice as I described watching the 4th of July and dingy parade in Avalon Harbor, the kids in their stars and stripes bathing suits and the fireworks going off over our heads. He listened as I described the Avalon Casino and going to movies there; snorkeling with sharks at Descanso beach and garabaldis in Lover’s Cove; the time the sea lion came into the salon of the boat; hiking up the hills to see the buffalo; the kids playing in the tall grasses of Isthmus Harbor, making forts and running all over without any supervision needed. I wanted that again and so I painted quite a compelling picture of how things could look for all five of our children. In my dreams, it was magical.
After my description of what could be, after I poured out all the incredible happy memories, longing to regain them; and the confession of my pain at the loss of those times; there was a long, uncomfortable pause. In retrospect, I can only guess at the grief that my husband must have felt listening to me. Dean already loved me with his whole heart and wanted to give me the desires of mine. Clearly, having a boat was something very, very dear to me.
It was in that context that he had to deliver a devastating blow. He proceeded to gently explain that a boat could never be in our future. EVER.
Dean suffered from debilitating motion sickness.
At 29 years old, while in the Navy, Dean had suffered a brain tumor. It had nearly killed him; his family had been told he would either die in surgery or end up severely brain damaged and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. The miracle of his recovery was well documented, with rounds of specialists and medical students visiting him after surgery to discuss and study how he recovered. It truly was miraculous. But….he did not escape entirely unscathed; motion sickness was the only reminder of that scary brush with death; and it was bad. The thought of being on a boat was horrifying to him. There was no more conversation to be had; my dreams of ever boating again were crushed. I could not and would never do separate vacations from my husband. I accepted the reality, trying not to let him see the pain it caused me; but deep in my heart, I said this little prayer:
“Dear God, I accept that with the husband you have chosen for me comes a huge sacrifice. You know my grief, but I believe with my whole heart that Dean is a gift from you, so I will accept that gift, submit to your will and accept my loss humbly, believing that you know me and what I need. But God, please, if it also be in your will, someday, somehow I hope that you will bring a boat into my life again. Amen”.
That is the background to “I want you to look at this boat”.
To be continued….
Clilffhanger!!!!!